Random. Unfiltered. Bittersweet.

Insanity

2009-10-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

"She used this great, sad, motionless face to suggest various related things:

a one-track mind near the track's end of pure insanity;

mulish imperturbability under the wildest of circumstances;

how dead a human being can get and still be alive . . ."

JamesAgee

Insanity. I have not reached it by any means.

It securely latches onto overwhelmed and surrounds my every thought and dream.

It stays in sight as an undetermined fate.

I've been strapped to this insane roller coaster ride and the ride no longer has me grounded.

It has edged me up to the highest point, pushes me over the edge and has me falling miserably, sickeningly and in a whirlwind...

I'm not ready for the next climb as I anticipated it in my heart.

What an adventure I've begun.

I'm in and there is no going back or being ejected before it is over.

Being ejected would be humiliating and represent self-defeat.

I'm stronger than it.

There is no going back.

Nothing compares to this. I thought in getting on this would be similar to all others...

But in reality, This ride is one of a kind.

I thought I had experience, But I had no idea.

I thought I was optimistic and hopeful...

Now I realized I'm overwhelmed and unsure of my own determination.

I began with the end in mind and now... I can't seem to see past the next decline.

?

2009-08-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

Nursing makes me question reasons in life. Patient's lives makes me question my own. I myself question God. Is God questioning me?

MuSiC

2009-08-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

Music=Life

It has a HUGE impact on me.

I feel lyrics are the soundtrack to life.

You'll never forget where you were hearing particular songs.

Everyone of Mariah's C.D's remind me of a period in my life.

Music plays at some of the most significant times in our life.

(Weddings...Graduation...Funerals)

Music has a way of soothing.

Music has a way of motivation you to keep on keepin' on.

Music can bring goosebumps.

Music can bring tears.

Lyrics in a song can make you love an artist.

It can make you hate them.

I can only think of a few times in my day when a radio isn't playing.

If music is not playing around me, I am thinking of it in my head.

I always have a song in my head.

One of my favorite things in life is getting a new C.D.

I listen to a new world of music and read the artists words on the book that arrives in the case.

This is the reason I don't download music, I like to have the entire package.

I don't own an Ipod and only buy one song.

I love to buy a C.D. for the hit on the radio and guessing which song will be on the radio next.

(I'm actually very good at that part)

Here are a few songs I've heard recently and they remind me where I was the time it played on the radio.

Reminds me of: Middle School. I was easily impressionable. Thought being a bad ass was the most important thing in life. Caused too much trouble. Enjoyed being a tom boy. I thought I would never get past leaving my friends in AZ to move to AK.

Reminds me of: High School. This time in my life was fun. I was involved in school. I had a good life. I thought I couldn't wait to grow up. Thought I would never get over dumb ass men. Enjoyed having a full time sister.

Reminds me of: EMT training. Going through EMT class I listened to this song again and again. It kind of was the soundtrack of the time.

Reminds me of: Being a Firefighter. Going down in flames...I listened to this C.D a lot and listening to it reminds me of working my ass off. Being very proud of life. Being on my own.

Reminds me of: Albuquerque. I listen to this C.D a lot when we were painting our house. The song's lyrics have nothing to do with my own life, but I liked the song and listened to it a lot. Now hearing it makes me think of that exciting time in life.

Reminds me of: Steve.

HawthoRNe

2009-08-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

Hawthorne is one of the only shows I'm following on T.V. Sometimes I can't even follow it, I later watch it on demand. Cable is amazing that way. Every time I sit down to watch it I expect three things: To cry by the end of the show, To be able to relate to a story with patients I've had, and To wonder about what kind of nurse I'll be. When I say "Kind of nurse I'll be," I don't mean in which department, but how will I be viewed by surrounding staff and patients. If you're too soft people view you in a way that they can take advantage of you. Sometimes being soft and patient makes people appreciated your care. Sometimes it makes them think they can manipulate you. If you're too hard you are a bitch, you're tired of your job or you're lacking in your patient care skills. If your assertive you're viewed as controlling and cold. I've worked clinical settings and I've worked ambulance settings. In any setting it is hard to know the person and for them to know you. You never know how someone is going to react. You never know someones true intentions. You can never tell how they will interpret you. My job is not to worry about that. My job is always about patient care and helping them back to health. If health can't be achieved it then becomes a game of making them comfortable. I always think about people. Sometimes I think to much. The constant worry and thinking has made me appreciated and hated. I love the patients that notice I am doing my best 110% to help them. It's even better when they are thankful and their family is thankful too. That occurrence reminds me why I do this. I love to help people. I don't need a gold star by doing them right. I do them right because I feel it is my duty. I feel it natural that I overachieve and anything less is me short falling. Sometimes caring in this way makes people sick of you. Some people you can't even ask if they are okay more than once and they unload on you. I've had this too. They hate to see you come in and god forbid get a set of vitals. To them, you are a pain in the ass. Maybe they see me young and naive. I hate that. I am damn good at my job and really care. I know what I am doing and if I don't I have no problem asking. Health care is all about customer service. I've learned this quick. Some people will never be happy with everything you do and some will be happy for the little things you do. Nothing makes me think more about my life and my impact on people around me more than this line of work. There is something that gets me when I look into the eyes of someone in this setting. You realize how lucky you may be. You realize how strong someone can me. It changes the way I think and feel about things. I feel like my problems are so ridiculous compared to these people. You can be rich and have everything in this world, but if you don't have your health what does it all matter? I feel so deeply for the people who don't ask for this...or who are born into misfortune in their health. The people that abuse their bodies...I find myself having less sympathy for. This is a whirlwind of thoughts. This is only half of it.

IN A DAY

2009-08-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

Nothing unusual about the day. I worked the mid shift. That means an hour drive there...Seven hours of constant work...An hour drive home with Seattle traffic. My first nurse would be Irina. I love her. She is as tall as me, very thin, blonde with blue eyes and very pregnant. She maintained her weight throughout the pregnancy and the only thing that grew was her stomach. So cute!!! She is Russian and I love her accent. She could talk about cleaning up piss and shit and I would be fully entertained just because of the way she talks. Anytime I show her my club wear or pictures on face book she is in shock. It makes me laugh. I show her my new 5inch Steve Madden shoes and she asks " JJ where are you going to wear this?" In her accent, I die laughing. Today she shows up to work 430am happy, glowing and 8 1/2 months pregnant. She busts her ass to help me on the floor unlike any other nurse. I spend the first half of my shift telling her to go eat or sit down! She ignores me. I appreciate her help and she explains her working hard might induce labor...WHICH I am trying to postpone because I am so hating to see her go on maternity leave. She is my number one! So she works and I continue to mother her throughout the day. She is having a girl and wants a short name...Why not JJ I must tell her once a day...We'll see. She never mentioned feeling bad her whole pregnancy. She is either tough as hell or having a good smooth 9 months. God...may I have a smooth 9 months please?

Jocelyn has been a nurse for about 17 years. She is my walking medical encyclopedia. Anything I don't understand I ask her. She is a good nurse. A tall thin Filipino women with short hair. She has four kids and has been a widow for about 6 years now I believe. I hate to see her talk about it. Whenever she does it looks as if her soul is drifting away and there is no longer a women in front of me...but a casing of a once very happy human being. She works hard and very long hours. Some days she will open the clinic with us at 430am and close it down at 10pm. I won't be doing that! Not only do drug calculation mistakes happen more frequently after 8 hours but it's exhausting! She recently found out she had a lump in her breast. This was before my trip to NM. I prayed for her and she prayed for my plane. By the time I got back and was informed of her condition she had already been taken into the O.R to have the lump removed. It was cancerous. She showed me her incision this night and I felt like everything I had fell into the pit of my stomach. I swear my heart skipped a beat. It looked so painful. She almost started to cry and I was right there with her. It causes her a lot of pain. She asked the Dr. if they would just take the breast completely off but the Dr. said it was not indicated so they are leaving it. She asked that both of them just be taken off. No luck. Now she will continue to work 4am to 1pm and continue on after work for radiation. I have to find the energy to work out. She knows what to expect and she knows what is going on with her body...That is the plus of being a health care professional....But that, in no way teaches you how to deal with the stress and worry. She won't talk about the post concerns of her health but she doesn't have to mention a word to me. I can see it on her face. I swear I don't breath around her till I see her laugh...I feel like I can't talk to her about anything in my life because what would little me have to say to this women? I definitely feel I can't be excited about something around her...I feel like that will make her even more uncomfortable to maybe wish she had more positives to focus on. I hope that she keeps going in good spirits and that this is the last of the cancer. She will have to go for mammograms every six months to make sure another lump has not formed. This did not run in her family so I want everyone to be watchful of their own bodies and the women around them they love and care about. You just never know what life is going to hand you. It helps to have such a supportive network. I feel everyday incredibly thankful for that. I probably say it too much.

These two nurses worked that day like nothing was holding them back in life. I left that day amazed with them. Grateful. Thoughtful. Exhausted. I hope that I can be half the nurse those two women are and I'm glad for the time I had the chance to work with them.

NOW

2009-08-01T01:16:00.000-07:00

This is now. 2009. It is only half way through but at its half way mark I feel it has already proven itself to me. I'm in this constant state of pondering life and what it really is to me. It's crazy how my perspective has changed from last year and how last year has made me cherish this year. If you compare the two...It is like night and day. I'd say last year was the dark night full of rain, chaos and emotions I could live without. I don't need to explain that road here and now. It is evident in my past blogs. What I want to say now is how this year seems like the day of sunlight you've hoped for after a long storm. The kind of storm that tore your whole world apart. Everyday I feel happier. I feel free. It's the me that comes out when the boxing gloves are off and there is a smile on my face. Last year was full of hurt, destruction and anger...This year I feel like I can finally be happy. It is so freeing to not be weighed down with negativity. Of course this year had it's drama but I've really tried to leave it in the day it interrupted and keep focusing on the future. We got out of the city. I got to work a hell of a lot less to go to school. I feel happier in my marriage...It may not be perfect but It sure has come a long way and keeps on getting better. I have an amazing husband and not one day will I take him for granted. He works hard but he makes time for me...This job has allowed him to take days off constantly matching my schedule so that we can get out and play. I pray everyday that Ed and Steve's business take off well and put us in an even better place in life. I have made some really good friends here and this summer has been more than I could of imagined. I cherish the times I have gotten to be on the Lake, in the pool or venturing around Seattle with them...And the times of wine. Last summer I was working my ass off and going to school...This summer I've been working less and playing more and it has really made me feel happy. I got to go home and see my mom and dad and some really amazing friends. I was crying my ass off on the plane but the trip was worth it. There was a point in time I felt such regret and pain from how the trip went but I have really come to terms with what I was able to do and who I was able to see. I'll know better next time...Next time my friends and family can take the trip to Sea town and I won't have to worry about trying to see too many people. I get a second chance with my parents in September and this means the world to me...It is my do over. My girls at this time seem to understand after our many conversations how it went down and it is no longer an issue. What is done is done. They understand this. I'm one person. I am working less hours so that I am able to enjoy three days...Sometimes four days off a week to have fun. I like my actual job but am debating the people who work there. I spend my days focusing on the lives of my patients and that in itself is enough to keep my mind occupied. These people have stories in life that are amazing and make your problems look like a fucking joke. I feel so much more optimistic about the future...In a way I never thought I could of if you would of asked me last year. I have a great 10 days planned with Steve, parents and best friends in Vegas...10 days after we get back I start nursing school. I understand the work these classes will entail. I'm ready. I have almost 10 years of medical experience and schooling so these things will not all come new to me on the first day of school. I'll work my ass off and it will pay off. My parents are coming for Christmas and I have the week off this year...That will be my third take to see my parents this year. I can't wait. If the years just keep getting better I can only imagine what next year will bring...I know it will bring more nursing school and another Vegas trip. As long as our health keeps up and we keep these amazing people by our sides I think it will work out just fine. I keep thinking about this year not only in terms of events but people...I feel really glad for the courage I've had to discard those who where hurting me and brought out the anger in me...I'm loved by the people I love the most and I'm greatful for that. There is something to be said about the happier you are the easier it is to not let something so tedious bring your down. I think the placement in our life now has helped me stay calmer than I've ever been and keep things from blowing up. I'm actually proud of myself for the fights I've not entertained and the negativity I've shaken off...Specially at work!

RENAY

2009-07-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, I find myself on Lake Washington with Steve and good friends. It's been a long day in the sun sampling wine and restaurant food at the Uncorked Festival in Kirkland. Thanks to 92.5 We didn't have to pay the $25 to get into the festival...Which left us more money to pack the boat full of margaritas, wine and of course Cheetos. I'm obsessed with getting sun before Vegas...So I sit on the front of the boat with Shonna and her friend Renay. The guys sit in the back of the boat curious about Steve and his profession. We leave them to be boys and drink their beer. I've never met Renay but from what I know now seems to be a good friend of Shonna's for many years. I just recently came into Shonna's life so I have no idea who this girl is until she starts talking with us. She is small, thin and very shy. She is probably white like me, but has spent so much time in the sun...She looks tan and very weathered. I hear her explain to Shonna after 13 or so years of marriage her husband is having an affair. Not only that...But bringing the "other girl" around his wife Renay and their two small kids. Wow I thought...That would be a cold day in hell when I would let that happen. She never discusses divorce...Which just seemed a natural fix for this situation. I start to really pay attention to her and not all the people walking along the boardwalk. Her face looks ten years old than it really is...I think how much the sun and stress must of impacted a once fair pretty younger girl. She takes a half of glass of wine from us to drink. She is running a triathlon tomorrow morning at 7am and will be leaving soon. She proceeds to talk about how she found someone else too. A women. You can tell by her voice and facial expression that she is very insecure and worried while telling Shonna and me...The stranger in this conversation. She explains to Shonna how she understands if Shonna no longer wants to be her friend and that she really is in to this girl. Shonna...In one of the most supportive tones I have ever heard from a friend cuts Renay off and explains to her that their friendship would never be terminated over something of this matter. I see the relief in Renay and throw in my two cents..."You can't help who you love, As long as your happy what does it matter?" They agree. I think about my Aunt La. Seems like I can't see a girl in a lesbian relationship without La crossing my mind. The structure of her suicide was being with a woman...That woman leaving her for someone else...And her having a hard time letting people who love her know she chose this lifestyle for herself. It didn't matter to us. We loved her regardless. The wine has caught up to me making my emotions intensify. I realize this is shitty timing. This is not about me. I fight tears and look at Renay as she talks in a smitten way about this woman. Her eyes look like La's and I have to look back at the half naked people on the boardwalk as a distraction. I continue to listen. Shortly after she leaves. I imagine she feels relieved talking to Shonna and Shonna feels grateful that Renay would open up to her. We wish her luck and she is on her way to rest before her race. She gives me her wine..... The next day we are out on the lake enjoying the sun...Greatfully again. Shonna informs me Renay will be joining us shortly. I don't think anything of it until we drive the boat up to the dock to pick them up. There Renay stands with her husband and their two adorable kids. Shonna's husband is pissed that the husband is there. Whatever. We help them on the boat and as soon as the man starts talking I determine that Renay's new relationship has to be better than it ever will be with this cocksucker. He is arrogant. Renay asks me to make her a drink...Naturally I make it the strongest one. The whole time she sits on the top of the boat with Shonna and I laying in the sun she obviously doesn't need and relaxes. Idiot husband runs around acting like a dip shit and I tell Shonna's husband not to let him into the margaritas. I'm thinking that is the last thing he needs. He ends up swimming to another boat full of girls and talking with them right in front of his wife and I feel myself get so heated. Who does that? I call him out on this. "You piece of shit what are you doing? Why are you doing this in front of your wife? If you were going to do this why didn't you just bring your fucking girlfriend?" All he has to say to me..."J I might be married but I'm not dead." I tell him he pretty much is to us and to leave us alone. I now feel like I've assumed the roll of Renay's guard dog and feel determined keep him the fuck away from us. This roll seems natural to me. I feel like I should protect someone I hardly know...But feel like I know. It ended up being one of the most fun days I have had with Shonna and in the entire summer for that matter. It really puts things in to perspective sometimes to see what others may go through...Sometimes it makes you realize that you don't really have any issues. Sure Steve and I aren't perfect. We had a rough first year here but the storm is calming. We have more time together and it really feels amazing to be so happy with life. Not only do I have Steve but have developed a friendship with these girls that I am thankful for. They've turned my summer around and it's been amazing. Usually winter is my favorite season but I may just be sad to see it come. No matter what I know we'll have this friend time together and I'll continue to have time with Steve and that is what is important! I hope Renay has the strength to get through this. I truly do feel for her and her kids...I hope she can find happiness without causing too much pain for her kids or jerry springer bullshit with the husband. She never mentioned divorce so it made me think that maybe they will have an open marriage and keep the home stable for the kids...Although I think stability went out the window when the "other woman" came in the house....?

LESSON 2

2009-07-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

I actually like my job. When I think about the patient care aspect and what I actually do for a living...I think is pretty amazing and important. I may not give a fuck about co workers or the shit they try to pull around the clinic... I may dread leaving my husband to tend to my shift...But at the end of most days after working and touching these patients in a way I never thought I would...I realize it is incredible. They are depending on my "job" to continue living their life. Who am I to be shitty there? They don't want to be there either......I'm sitting at a computer at our nurse station and I overhear a patient on the phone in his chair. He doesn't know I can hear him. He is only 40 and very new to dialysis. He is late everyday and can get pretty shitty to staff at times. He is hopefully getting a transplant from a friend if all the test match...He owns several real estate projects that aren't making much money. I overhear his voice explaining how dissatisfied he is with life. He tells the person on the other line how he works a 15 hour day and then has to come to dialysis. He is exhausted. He feels overwhelmed. I see him on the phone with his lap top in his lap and a stack of bills on his table that he is going through and writing checks for. He tells someone on the phone...With a market like this...He is unsure how is will even pay for all of these bills. He shakes his head continuously perhaps at the amount of money he owes or by the callers words. I can only imagine if this was his wife on the phone. I think where is she? Why isn't she helping him? Oh, she is at home with their four kids. She probably has a lot to do also. Could you imagine your husband being so dependent on medical care and also working such long hours to keep your family and home intact. Could you imagine her worry? He hangs up the phone. I have to interrupt him to fix his blood pressure cuff and get a reading on his pressure as he sits there stressed out over life. I feel like a big inconvenience on him so I hurry and apologize. I see a substantial rise in blood pressure and as I look at him sitting there in frustration alone... I can feel the tears whelming up inside of me. He is so engulfed in his moment that he no longer notices I am there looking at his face. This man most of the time has nothing but shitty things to say to me...Even when I have done nothing wrong...Yet I find some way in my heart to be empathetic for him and want to take all of his pain and worry away. I adjust his time slightly so that he doesn't have to spend the whole four hours in that chair and walk away. This moment takes me back like I haven't had happen in awhile. It makes me realize I do still have a heart for these patients even when they are so rude and ridiculous...Here is someones life and they are dependent on me. It becomes somewhat easy to build a wall on my job. You have the same patients every other day. You build a relationship with them. You know what to expect. You unfortunately get somewhat complacent...So it may seem sometimes that we are unaffected or cold towards this high burn out job. I think it is just a defense mechanism. If I took to heart everything those patients felt or discussed with me...I would be a wreck. It's not that we don't care but we put up a little bit of a wall. Ask anyone in health care...I think it's imperative. I can't imagine what life feels like him for right now. It's moments like this that I wish I had more power to heal people. That I really want to take everything negative out of their lives...Times like these I think about my own life and how I can't waste time spending negative emotions on things...Life is so damn short and most people have it a lot better than they think. Most people do not appreciate what they have and take it for granted...They want to fight piss and moan about the little things when they need to think about the bigger picture. I wish sometimes to be someone of importance to make a difference...Then I think that maybe even little me in my small world may be able to make a bigger difference than I had imagined. This is why I'll be on my way to be a nurse...I can't lose sight of that in my struggle through school and hard times on the job. One of the greatest feelings I have ever had is being there for someone and helping them in their time of need. I'll never forget the first time a little girl remembered me in the Wal-mart because I was the first responder to her car accident...Helping her out to safety...I made a difference in her life and she appreciated me more that I would of ever thought when I signed up for this...So I can't change the whole world...I may just change a few lives and provide the care to heal someones daughter or mother...And that in itself seems so amazing to me. (This is unedited and not proof read...Bear with my thought process)

Obsessed

2009-07-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

Mc's first single off her upcoming album. Release date 25th of Aug! My only problem with this song is she shouldn't be T Painin' her voice as gorgeous as it is!!! But...I do like the song...I can not wait to listen to the album on my way to VEGAS!!!

Obsessed

LIST

2009-07-16T21:11:00.000-07:00

20 things I am thinking today...

1. I would like to relive this 4th of July on the Lake...It was AMAZING

2. I will start looking for another job...Maybe at a hospital and let them help me with tuition...Feel bad because I know the patients will hate to see me go...

3. I'm way toooo tired to run today...Wine and puppy time sounds so much better!

4. Pray for Alicia's Family and Carries Friend...

5. Vegas is soooo close!!!!!!! I have Vegas on the brain 24/7...So THANKFUL my parents are going and that I can see JJ and Jessica! We'll be missing you B!

6. Going to go buy K. Perry, BOA, Pitbull and Eminem's CD's from Amazon for cheap!

7. Need to get my Steve Madden glasses fixed...Does anyone know how they got broken? WTF

8. Still feeling the side effects from BURQUE trip...Even worse when I see the pictures. It's suppose to make me happy damn it!

9. I need more clothes for my trip...OH and mini crown shots for that plane. Thank goodness Steve will be on the plane to squeeze.

10. I wish Snoopy would let me clip her nails...Making appt. for groomer asap!

11. Worry about Uncle Ed

12. I wish I could win the lottery and pay for all my loved ones to live well (Good one)

13. I cherish my days off with Steve. When is the next one?!

14. Need to buy my Pathophysiology book to start studying Pre-nursing school!

15. I want to do a girls trip (Amen) I sure do miss you guys!

16. Thank goodness I have the next three Saturdays off.

17. I feel like I don't have enough time to see some of my friends here...Why are we so busy? I am working less...They are working more!

18. Hooray for not having to get up at 230am tomorrow! Can actually have time to work out before work! Should be a good day! I'm even with my favorite nurse.

19. I can't wait till I'm a nurse!!!

20. I can't wait to be in a house again with Steve! So thankful for him. xoxo

NOW

2009-07-16T20:42:00.000-07:00

So. I debated whether I should delete this whole blog or keep it going. The first year I lived in Seattle I used it pretty much as an outlet to vent. Life took me for a ride on a hard road and I felt that I was at my breaking point every single day. Each day I felt there was another mountain. Now I am looking back...And comparing now with then...I really appreciate life as it is right now! How else should you learn a lesson than to have something incredibly hard in your life present itself... Jump over life's hurdle...Recover...And then force yourself to realize you are stronger than you thought. I always knew I was tough. I sometimes have a soft heart... soft voice...And an incredible need to take things personal...But at the end of the day I really do better than I ever imagined. I was raised this way and I feel like everything I am is in my blood. I'm not someone who throws in the gloves during a fight...Even though there are sometimes I really should. I'm a fighter and I fought my way through times I really almost let defeat me. I won't delete these blogs just because they show who I was yesterday. I am hoping in the future I can write and show who I have become. The older I get...the wiser I get. I see that my perspective on life and my goals in life change so much. I have now realized that maybe this would be a good outlet for me...And if no one reads it...Well It was therapy for me at least for a moment in time. I feel like I should be able to get on here and write what I want, say what I want and not have to worrying about editing every word or worrying about what was written. So I won't...Like my brother says: "If you don't like it, tough shit."

CONSCIENTIOUS

2009-02-01T23:11:00.000-08:00

AS I AM DRIVING... AS I AM EXISTING IN LIFE AND GOING THROUGH EACH DAY I AM PONDERING WHAT TO WRITE AND HOW TO WRITE ABOUT BEING CONSCIENTIOUS. FUCK. SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE A DISEASE. SOMETIMES I WISH TO NOT HAVE THE TRAIT. FOR SOME REASON I FEEL THE INCREDIBLE NEED TO GET SOMETHINGS OFF MY CHEST ABOUT IT. I'M NOT SAYING THAT WORD SOLEY DEFINES ME BUT I SOMETIMES BELIEVE IT MAKES IT HARDER WHEN YOU ARE OVER THE TOP WITH IT. I NOTICE A LOT OF THINGS AND SOMETIMES WISH THAT I DIDN'T. BEING CONSCIENTIOUS SOMETIMES GETS THE BEST OF ME. I NOT ONLY NOTICE THINGS AROUND ME BUT ANALYZE THE FUCK OUT OF THEM. TAKE THINGS TO HEART. USUALLY I THEN LASH OUT IN BEING HURT. SAY SOME REALLY MEAN THINGS. WANT TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE. CALM DOWN PRETTY QUICKLY USUALLY WHICH MAKES ME FEEL BIPOLAR AND PSYCHO. THEN I'M REACHING OUT TRYING TO APOLOGIZE TO SOMEONE AND HOPEFULLY HAVE NOT BURNT ANY BRIDGE WITH THEM. IF I FEEL THAT THE PERSON WAS WRONG AND I AM TRULY RIGHT YOU CAN COUNT ON ME SAYING SOMETHING. THE OLDER I GET I GRADUALLY MOVE AWAY FROM A SHY LITTLE GIRL. I TRY NOT TO BE TOO BLUNT BUT SOMETIMES I WOULD RATHER JUST GET IT OUT AND TELL THE PERSON SO WE CAN DEAL WITH IT. I DON'T DO THE BEHIND THE BACK PETTY SHIT. IF I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY I AM GOING TO SAY IT. I MIGHT HESITATE AND HOLD IT FOR AWHILE OR I MAY RANDOMLY PUT IT ON SOMEONE. NOT HAVING THE BEST WAY WITH WORDS SOMETIMES IT IS REALLY REALLY HARD. BUT AFTER IT IS OUT AND SAID THE PERSON IS NO LONGER IN THE DARK AND IT CAN BE DEALT WITH AND RESOLVED AND I DON'T HAVE TO SWIM IN EMOTIONS OF THE MATTER AND OVER ANALYZE IT ANYMORE. THE THING THAT REALLY GETS ME IS WHEN I HAVE TAKEN SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE HAS SAID OR DONE...OR FLY OFF THE HANDLE BECAUSE SOMEONE DIDN'T DO SOMETHING I WOULD OR DIDN'T SAY SOMETHING I WOULD...AND IT'S NOT EVEN TAKEN INTO MY MIND AND HEART AND ANALYZED RIGHT. I TOTALLY GET THE FACTS WRONG AND TWISTED OR I COMPARE SOMEONE TO ME AND WHAT I WOULD DO. I BECOME EASILY HURT WITH PEOPLE WHEN THEY COME BACK AT ME IN THE WAY I WOULD NEVER DO TO THEM. IT MAKES IT REALLY HARD TO KEEP COOL WITH PEOPLE. NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE ME AND NOT EVERYONE NOTICES THE THINGS I DO. WHY IS IT FAIR THAT I DO THIS TO THEM? IT'S NOT. ILL WORK ON IT. FOR ONE DAY I WISH TO NOT NOTICE THINGS TO SUCH A DEGREE. SOMETIMES I THINK IT'S A GOOD THING TO BE UPFRONT WITH PEOPLE BUT SHOULD SOMETIMES WORK ON THE DELIVERY. ALTHOUGH PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT YOU TO TELL THEM WHAT'S UP THEN THEY CALL YOU A BITCH FOR SAYING ANYTHING...OR ARE PISSED OFF HALF THE TIME. I LOVE THE PEOPLE THAT ASK WHAT YOU THINK? YOU TELL THEM. THEN THEY GET UPSET LIKE THEY WERE EXPECTING A DIFFERENT TRUTH. WELL SHIT I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T WALK AROUND HARBORING THINGS IN. I WORRY AND ANALYZE THINGS ENOUGH AS IT IS WITH THIS LINGERING INSECURITIES I STILL HOLD ON TO. SO NOT SAYING ANYTHING THAT I HAVE NOTICED OR FEEL SHOULD BE TALKED ABOUT WOULD FEEL LIKE DROWNING IN MY OWN THOUGHTS AND OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS... AT NIGHT I THINK I WOULD RATHER LAY DOWN AS AN AGGRESSIVE LION THAN A SHY LAMB. I WAS BROUGHT UP A CERTAIN WAY. AGGRESSIVE AND VERY LOVING. I TRY TO NOT HURT PEOPLE. I TRY TO BE REAL WITH THEM. I TRY TO LET THEM KNOW WHERE I STAND. WHERE THEY STAND. I AM LUCKY TO HAVE A FAMILY TO SUPPORT ME...A HUSBAND THAT IS WILLING TO GET THROUGH SOME OF MY WORSE MOMENTS WITH ME...AND REALLY GREAT FRIENDS THAT WON'T LET ME BURN A BRIDGE WITH MY MOUTH...I HAVE THESE PEOPLE WHO WILL DEAL WITH ME AND TALK TO ME ABOUT THINGS SO THAT I CAN RESOLVE IT IN MY HEAD. TO SOME PEOPLE MY RELATIONSHIP IS TOO HIGH MAINTENANCE. THEY CAN'T TAKE MY HURT FEELINGS...MY WORRYING...OR MY LASH OUTS. WELL I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEM BE SO PERFECT. I AM WHO I AM AND ALTHOUGH I MIGHT NEED SOME ADJUSTMENTS I SURE AS HELL AT 26 AM NOT CHANGING MYSELF TO FIT ANY ONES IDEAS OF WHAT I SHOULD BE. I'LL WORK ON THE AGGRESSIVE PART I KNOW. IF I DON'T I HAVE A FEELING MY FATE WILL INVOLVE MY MOUTH GETTING ME SHOT OR SERIOUSLY HURT BECAUSE I HAVE CROSSED THE WRONG PERSON. IT IS JUST HARD TO GET A HOLD ON THE MENTALITY I WAS RAISED TO NOT TAKE ANY ONES SHIT. MY DAD DID NOT TOLERATE ANYTHING...HE RAISED ME TO BE CONFIDENT AND IN CONTROL...EVEN THOUGH MY MOM HAD A MILDER VERSION OF DADS AGGRESSION...IT WAS VERY EASY FOR HER TO GIVE ME AN IDEA OF FORGIVENESS AND EMOTION...HOPEFULLY WHEN THEY COME INTO PLAY THEY COME IN TOGETHER SO I'M NOT LASHING OUT WITH NO REASON OR REGRET IF I AM AT FAULT. IF OTHER PEOPLE ARE AT FAULT ILL HAVE TO LEARN TO AT LEAST FORGIVE IF I CAN'T FORGET. THINKING ABOUT THIS MATTER THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAS MADE ME REACH OUT TO A FEW PEOPLE AT WORK...AND EVEN PAST RELATIONSHIPS THAT WENT TO COMPLETE SHIT. NO THAT DOESN'T ENTAIL EX BOYFRIENDS. I'M OVER TRYING TO BEAT THAT DEAD HORSE...BUT IT MEANT THAT I CONTACTED A FEW EX FRIENDS (NOT DENISE)...AND A FEW CO WORKERS. I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING TO THEM. I DIDN'T WANT THEM AND ANYTHING ABOUT THEM LINGERING IN MY MIND AND I DIDN'T WANT MY LAST WORDS TO BE SOMETHING TOO AGGRESSIVE. NOW THE BALL IS ALL IN THEIR COURT. FOR THE MOST PART PEOPLE RESPOND WELL. ONE COWORKER STARTED CRYING OUT OF FRUSTRATION I GUESS...SHE KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING ON AT WORK...AND I WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO COME OUT AND TELL IT TO HER FACE...SO FAR IT'S HAD A POSITIVE EFFECT. THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT JUMP STARTED THIS WHOLE OVER ANALYZING OF THE WORD...AND NOW IT'S OUT IN WRITING AND I'LL HOPEFULLY FALL ASLEEP TONIGHT AS A LION WHO ISN'T OVERWHELMED WITH DETAILS AND HARBORED THOUGHT OF THAT DAMN WORD. IM NOT PROOF READING THIS...OR EDITING IT TO MAKE BETTER SENSE. IT IS WHAT IT IS.

...

2008-11-23T17:01:00.000-08:00

AS MUCH AS I HAVE TRIED TO AVOID FALLING INTO THE COMPLICATED LIVES OF MY PATIENTS...I'VE FALLEN...FOR SOME REASON...FOR SOME UNKNOWN REASON... A LOT OF THEM FIND AND ENCOURAGE THE WILL AND DESIRE TO SHARE WITH ME THEIR LIVES. IT DOESN'T MATTER MY OPINION OF SOME OF THEM..THEY SOMEHOW FEEL THE CONNECTION WITH ME TO SHARE VERY PERSONAL INFO. I TRY TO BE A GOOD LISTENER...AND EVEN IF I DON'T CARE FOR WHO THEY ARE AS A PERSON IN OUR LITTLE SOCIETY OF SEATTLE...I STILL TAKE THE BEST CARE OF THEM AS I CAN...AND I SHOULD NOT ONLY FOR THE CREED I HAVE SIGNED INTO..BUT IN A WORLD OF MORALS AS A HUMAN BEING AND AS A HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL. THEY TELL ME THINGS THAT I SOMETIMES REGRET KNOWING AND FEEL THIS INCREDIBLE OVERWHELMING FEELING OF EMPATHY. SOMETIMES THE TRUTH OF THEIR LIVES IS OVERWHELMING AND SURREAL. I TRY TO FOCUS ON WHAT THEY SAY... AND NOT REFLECT THE EMOTION OF TEARS AND HELPLESSNESS THEY DISPLAY. I HUSTLE IN MY MIND OF THE RIGHT THINGS TO SAY TO THEM AND THE WORDS TO MAKE THINGS BETTER FOR THEM OR GIVE THEM SOME KIND OF HOPE. I SOMETIMES KNOW I'VE SAID THE RIGHT THING JUST BY THEIR NONVERBAL LANGUAGE AND I KNOW WHEN I DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL IT'S OKAY BECAUSE SOMETIMES THEY JUST NEED TO VENT AND NEED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO THEM. ON THURSDAY ONE OF THESE OCCURRENCES TOOK PLACE ON A RAINY MORNING WHEN A YOUNGER PATIENT TOLD ME THEY PULLED THE PLUG ON HIS YOUNGER BROTHER WHO WAS ALSO ON DIALYSIS...HAD A SEIZURE...AND WENT BRAIN DEAD. HE EXPLAINED TO ME HOW HE HELD HIS 25YR OLD BROTHER'S HAND AND EVEN THOUGH HE FELT WARM...HIS LIFE SUPPORTED BY MAN MADE MACHINERY...HE WAS NO LONGER "THERE"...HE SAID A PRAYER AND LEFT HIS BROTHERS SIDE FOR THE SAKE OF HIS KIDS OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS AND TRUE NON UNDERSTANDING OF THE SITUATION. I COULD TELL BY LOOKING AT HIM THAT HE HADN'T SLEPT AND THAT HIS EYES WERE SO RED AND PUFFY... I KNEW HE WAS UP CRYING ALL NIGHT LONG. HIS PHONE RANG JUST BEFORE I CONNECTED TO HIM TO THE MACHINE THAT WAS INEVITABLY KEEPING HIM ALIVE...HE NEEDED TO GET UP AND USE THE PHONE TO TALK TO A FAMILY MEMBER...SO I LET HIM BE AND FOUGHT THE TEARS THAT HIT ME OUT OF NO WHERE LIKE A FREIGHT TRAIN...THINKING THAT IF I WAS HIM AND MY BROTHER WAS GONE...I WOULDN'T BE A DIALYSIS CLINIC BUT INSTEAD IN BED CRYING MY HEART OUT... THIS IS ONE EXAMPLE OF HOW I'M CONTINUOUSLY TOUCHED BY THESE PEOPLE'S LIVES...EVEN WHEN THEY ARE SHITTY TO ME...I TRY TO KEEP IN PERSPECTIVE THEY DON'T FEEL WELL AT ALL...AND THEY ARE DEALING WITH THESE LIFE SITUATIONS THAT WOULD PIN YOU AND I DOWN AND MAKE US NOT WANT TO ADDRESS LIFE AT ALL. THE FACT THEY GET UP EVERYDAY AND KEEP FIGHTING IS MOTIVATION FOR ME TO KEEP ON KEEPING ON WHEN I HAVE PROBLEMS THAT SEEM SO TEDIOUS COMPARED TO THEIRS....

OBAMA

2008-10-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

REALNESS

2008-10-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

I WISH I HADN'T SEEN THE REALNESS
I WISH I COULD HAVE STAYED WRAPPED UP AND PREOCCUPIED...
SURROUNDED BY THE HOPES AND OPTIMISTIC WARMTH OF IDEAS THAT MADE IT POSSIBLE
TO GET THROUGH THE NIGHT
I WISH THE DARKNESS WAS NOT SO UN-ORDINARILY COMFORTING AND REMAINED MORE FAMILIAR THAN THE LIGHT OF THE TRUTH
I WISH IT HADN'T UNLEASHED ITS BEING INTO MY HEART SITTING VIBRANT UNDER MY SPOTLIGHT
I WISH I COULD OF STAYED NAIVE AND SYMPATHETIC TO OTHERS EXPERIENCING THE SAME REALNESS...
NOT THE EMPATHY OF ACTUALLY ENDURING THE PAIN
I WISH I NEVER WOULD HAVE HAD TO UNDERGO THE TRUTH OF ITS ACTUAL BEING
I WISH I COULD HAVE GONE BACK TO YESTERDAY AND NEVER WONDERED AIMLESSLY INTO THE REALNESS OF THE DAY CALLED TODAY...
I WISH MY HEART WASN'T LIFELESS
THAT MY EMOTIONS WERE NOT RUNNING RAMPANT
THAT THE WORRY AND THE FEAR WERE NOT SO RELEVANT AND HAD NOT YET
ENGULFED ME WHOLE HEARTILY
I WISH THE REALNESS WAS SIMPLY A FALSE PRECONCEPTION

LESSON 1

2008-09-21T00:27:00.000-07:00

One day last week at the Safeway I was walking to go and find a basket since I had collected more than I could carry. I saw a Safeway worker walking towards the door with a basket. I followed her to get the basket from her and said out loud..."I'll take that basket ma'am"...She threw the basket by the front door...causing the automatic doors to open...She walked off and didn't say a word or acknowledge me... SO without hesitation I say loudly..."Thanks Bitch" (Pissed off she ignored me and threw it to the ground like nothing)...Tonight I'm in line at the Safeway talking to my mom on the phone when I see the same worker before...She was buying blue Gatorade...and was SIGNING to the cashier on how to bag her groceries...Three bottles to a bag she was trying to tell him...When it hit me she was deaf...I felt like the biggest asshole in the whole state of Washington...I felt like something punched me in the chest...And I realized that is why she didn't hand me the basket and ignored me...My mom and dad tell me not to worry about it...You didn't know they tell me...but I just feel bad...I feel like there is a lesson for me in this to not jump the gun and assume that someone is just being rude or being a bitch...and it hit me just in time...I went to customer service after passing through the line to get quarters for the laundry and the girl was really really shitty to me...like maybe I was bugging her by asking her to do her job...but I stayed really polite...got my quarters...I told her sorry to bug her from what she was doing and that I hoped she have a good weekend...Instantly she said to me...No worries...It's okay...You have a good night too dear. If I would have re-acted to her things would have been probably a lot worse you know? Perhaps a bitch fight? BUT since I was polite she was polite back...and it made me think that maybe she was having a long bad night...like I know too well! It was nothing personal against me...but I was going to take it that way in a heart beat...Which now looking back is the reason for most of my fights and arguments. I jump the gun. I take things personal. I don't stop to think that maybe it's not me. Oh wow Jennifer perhaps the world doesn't revolve around you...and they are mad about something else ffs... Wow...I'm taking this lesson with me...I'm going to try and stop assuming that peoples attitudes are just because of me...stop taking it so personal...and perhaps try and lift them up...If they are still bitter at the end of our meet...At least I know I tried and just maybe It wasn't because of me.

SUNDAY

2008-09-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

In the middle of my three days off...which was SUNDAY... was really the most exciting part of my plans for the weekend...and that included sitting on the couch with corona in hand and watching football. Particularly my 49ers. I was really disappointed to not be going to the game 5miles from my house and seeing the guys I've liked since I was little in real life! Regardless if it's not Young, Montana, Owens, Garcia or Rice on that team anymore...it's still the team. The team came to Seattle to play and WON btw. BUT the fact that I don't really know many people here yet...Steve had to work...and My Aunt is in Vegas partying it up...What else was I gonna do? I guess not pout that I won't be seeing Gore or Battle trying out yet another new young and inexperienced quarterback...AND tried not to think about my aunt in sunny LV. I planned the day of football and so what if it was a party of one. Even if I hadn't exactly wanted to be solo...I was...and planned to take this time off to relax. I know in one week school will start and I'll probably be crying for the days to have nothing to do...but these days I'm getting pretty over having nothing to do...and spending so much time alone...I hope as I go further along into school I can meet some people I like and start making friends since it seems the family here in Seattle and the occasional visit from Uncle Ed seem to be few and far between in visits...I sit inside this house alone way too much. The highlight of most weekends or days off is not setting an alarm...or going to the Fred Meyer...I hope that Steve will get back on a normal rotation soon and I can have someone to do something with in the near future! Before I start to become more depressed and unmotivated. I'll try and keep my head up with school...look for work...and start running the city...I mapped out a couple directions for 3mile runs and am dropping my gym for now...That will just have to keep me busy for the minute...

RaNdOm

2008-09-08T23:18:00.000-07:00

3 Random thoughts for my Monday...

I wanted to change gyms in Seattle...but the gym I want to go to you have to pay for parking in a garage or you can pay $6 for Valet? WTF Valet/Paying for parking at the gym? I am not going to dinner people! Just want to run on a damn treadmill and lift some weights ffs. If I only went 3x a week that is $18 and almost equals the amount of the MEMBERSHIP I pay per month for the gym I go to now...so guess I am not switching.

I got told today that I should drive Steve's car more because it's more feminine. Oh REALLY? Cause I AM SO feminine my damn self...OH and I don't think my husband would like to be told he drives a girly car...Even though he would not care what someone else said. I love my beast and have wanted that truck for years! It fits me and saves my body from harm! I rest my case.

Some rude girl cut right in front of me in line at the Safeway like I was just fucking standing there for my health. OF course I talked shit but she acted like she couldn't hear me. I assumed she was deaf, blind, and fucking stupid...and told myself not to get boiled over her piece of shit foil and oatmeal buying...hair in sloppy bun...K-Mart jeans wearing asshole self.

Ugh. I feel better now.

EXPECTATIONS

2008-09-02T00:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish to not be so self conscious. To be so conscientious. To not be so worried. I wish sometimes to be oblivious like the people around me. They don't worry. They don't give second thoughts. They go with the flow and they don't hold such high expectations. It's the way I was raised and even though I would not change my parents for anything or my family for that matter. I was raised to have ridiculous high expectations not only in myself...for my life...for my friends...for the love of my life...for my job...for my school. It's not satisfying to me to only do things half assed. I have to go in whole heartily and get let down when others don't. It's ruined relationships...it's made me hate jobs...it's left me disappointed to not see others come at me in the same way. I get hurt. I get pissed. I act out as a bitch. I can't stand when people don't notice things. When they don't act conscientiously. When they are oblivious. It's hurtful to invest so much time...energy...and thought into something and not have it returned. It's hard for someone like to me take. For someone with such high expectations and a high effort to not let anyone down...It makes it hard to make a mistake...or to let someone down. It's hard on the heart and it's disappointing to the point where you feel like you will never rebound until the problem is solved. That means talking about it then and now...but not everyone feels that way...and it's hard to be in so much pain when someone has let you down and not be able to make it better like the perfectionist in me would like. That is why I keep looking back and trying to make every bad connection better. I try to come to some understanding. With so many different people out there...so many people unlike me it's hard sometimes...I understand those mistakes in life will not define me. I try to not let myself get burned by that negative heat. Sometimes it's just a lot to take on...accepting people and being let down...trying to get different perspectives to open my eyes...to keep living and not being weighed down by nothings...

TRUTH

2008-08-28T00:01:00.001-07:00

I'M SO FED UP WITH THESE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE WHO CLAIM TO BE TRUTHFUL AND BLUNT AND THEY PRIDE THEMSELVES IN BEING SOMEONE YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHERE YOU STAND WITH...WHAT THEY ARE THINKING...HOW THEY FEEL...BUT THE MOMENT YOU ARE TRUTHFUL WITH THEM IT BACKFIRES. WHY IS IT THAT THEY CAN BE BLUNT AND DELIVER THE TRUTH IN AN UNWRAPPED BLUNT FORCE OF WORDS...BUT IF THE FACTS ARE COMING OUT MY MOUTH IT HAS TO BE GENTLE AND SUGAR COATED. SHOULDN'T TWO PEOPLE WHO CAN BOTH TELL THE TRUTH BE ABLE TO HAVE A DECENT FRIENDSHIP? SHOULDN'T THAT FRIENDSHIP BE STRONG WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER? SHOULDN'T I BE ABLE TO DELIVER THE SAME TRUTH WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A BITCH? OR BEING THOUGHT OF AS ONE?

REGRET

2008-08-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

I FEEL LIKE REGRET IS A NEVER ENDING PART OF LIFE. IT'S LIKE AN INFECTION THAT KEEPS MANIFESTING ITSELF TO MY HEART AND TO MY MIND. IT'S LIKE A MONSTER OR A SKELETON YOU TRY AND KEEP DEEP INSIDE. IT CAN WEAR YOU DOWN. IT CAN TAKE OVER YOUR DAY TO DAY. WHEN I WAS 19 I USE TO TELL PEOPLE I DIDN'T REGRET ANYTHING...BECAUSE AT THE TIME BEFORE AND IN THE MOMENT I THOUGHT IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. IN THE MOMENT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE RIGHT DECISION TO MAKE. WHAT DID I KNOW AT 19 AND HOW DID I KNOW TO MAYBE MAKE THE BETTER DECISION. NOW I AM 25 AND I AM LOOKING BACK AT SITUATIONS IN MY LIFE AND I WOULD HAVE PLAYED THINGS OUT SO DIFFERENTLY. BUT THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT KNOWING NOW WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THEN. SO YOU CAN'T FIX YOUR LACK OF KNOWLEDGE BEFORE LIKE YOU HAVE AT THIS POINT. YOU OBVIOUSLY CAN NOT GO BACK IN TIME AND CHANGE THINGS. IF YOU COULD THERE WOULD BE NO SUCH THING. SO HOW DO YOU FIGHT THE BATTLE AND ACCEPT THE REGRET. HOW DO YOU MOVE ON AND NOT LINGER? HOW DO YOU ACCEPT WHAT HAS HAPPENED HAS HAPPENED AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAYBE MAKE IT RIGHT?

RESTART

2008-08-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

FOR 25 YEARS I HAVE HAD 9,125 DAYS TO RESTART. I HAVE HAD 9,125 DAYS TO WAKE UP AND START OVER. I HAVE HAD THOSE DAYS TO TRY AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT. I HAVE GOTTEN USE TO HAVING A TOMORROW AND WAKING UP ALL THOSE TIMES WITH THE NEW CHANCE OF A NEW DAY.THE PAST HAS TAUGHT ME THAT IT HAS BEEN CONSISTENTLY REOCCURRING. WHY NOT COUNT ON TOMORROW? I'VE COUNTED ON TOMORROWS TO FIX THINGS... TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. TO PURSUE DREAMS. TO BE WITH PEOPLE. TO FIGHT FOR WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT. TO APOLOGIZE. TO RELAX. TO PLAY. TO FLY AWAY FOR VACATION. TO RETURN BACK TO NORMAL LIFE. TO GET BETTER FROM ILLNESS. TO MEND. TO REGRET. TO WALK AWAY. TO MOVE AWAY. TO FEEL LUCKY. TO FEEL IN LOVE. TO FEEL HURT. WHAT IF 9,125 DAYS WAS MY LIMIT AND THERE WAS NO TOMORROW. WHAT IF GOD ONLY ASSIGNED ME A COUPLE MORE AND THAT IS IT. WHAT IF I HAVE 9,125 MORE DAYS AND MANY MORE CHANCES TO MAKE IT RIGHT. SOMETIMES I WISH WE KNEW OUR AMOUNT OF DAYS TO BE HAD. I BET IF WE KNEW THE FINISH LINE WAS NEAR WE MIGHT DO MORE TO MAKE SURE THING ARE RIGHT TODAY AND NOT PUT IT OFF ON TOMORROW. ALTHOUGH...IF OUR FINISH LINE WAS FURTHER AWAY WOULD WE PROCRASTINATE WITH ALL THE TIME WE THINK WE MAY HAVE. I'M TRYING TO GET THINGS RIGHT. I AM TRYING TO BE DECISIVE FOR WHAT I WANT FOR LIFE. I AM TRYING TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. IT'S SCARY SOMETIMES TO THINK YOU MAY NEVER HAVE THAT EXTRA DAY TO REACH THOSE GOALS. TO SEE THAT PERSON AGAIN. TO GET TIME FOR YOURSELF. TO FIX WHAT NEEDS MENDING. I GUESS THAT JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW IMPORTANT TODAY IS AND HOW TRULY BLESSED WE ARE TO HAVE IT AND TO MAKE IT COUNT.

WAR

2008-08-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE IS A WAR OF THE HEART AGAINST THE MIND? WHEN THERE IS NEVER ENDING CONFLICT AND NO RESOLUTION. WHEN THERE IS ONE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SIDE AGAINST THE OTHER SIDE. WHEN THESE TWO SIDES NEED TO COME TOGETHER...

THE MIND CAN BE LOGICAL. COLD. SEE THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE. LACK FEELING. BE REASONABLE. NOT ALWAYS RELIABLE? VERY RELIABLE?

THE HEART FEELS. GOES ON EMOTIONS. DESPAIR. CONSIDERS REGRET. REMEMBERS. ACTS CONSCIENTIOUS. IT TAKES INTO ACCOUNT OTHER PEOPLE FOR CONSIDERATION AND POSSIBLY THEIR STATE OF HEART. WARM. BLIND.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ONE SAYS GO AND ONE SAYS STAY. WHEN ONES SAYS OBVIOUSLY THIS IS THE POINT AND THE OTHER IS STILL LOST IN THAT REASON. WHEN ONE HAS LOST HOPE AND ONE IS STILL HOLDING OUT AND HOLDING ONTO HOPE. WHEN ONE IS SO FILLED IN EGO TO NOT CRY WHILE THE OTHER ONE CRIES CONTINUOUSLY. WHEN ONE FEELS SO EMPTY AND SITS LIFELESS AND THE OTHER IS READY TO MOVE ON IN AN INSTANT.

MOTIVATION

2008-08-02T00:46:00.000-07:00

QUARTER LIFE CRISIS

2008-08-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

SO AT THIS POINT IN MY 25 YEARS OF AGE... I AM EXACTLY WHERE I WISHED SO HARD TO BE AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR. WHO KNEW THAT I WOULD GET THERE AND FALL INTO THE WORSE SUMMER EVER. IN THE CURRENT STATE OF FRUSTRATION, LONLINESS, AND BEING OVERWHELMED...I FIND MYSELF WANTING TO DIGRESS TO A TIME WHERE BEING GROUNDED AND A SET BED TIME WOULD PISS MY YOUNG ASS OFF...NOW I'D LOVE TO BE GROUNDED...SENT TO MY ROOM...AND BE IN BED BY EIGHT. I DID IT TO MYSELF. I'VE OVERLOADED MYSELF TO THE POINT OF HATING THE BUSY LIFE WITH NO SOCIAL INTERACTION OR FUN THAT I USUALLY THRIVE ON. IT'S GONE. I WORK TOO MUCH. THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY WEEKENDS IS A TRIP TO THE FRED MEYER. STRESS CAUSES FIGHTS AND THE LITTLE FITS IN THIS HOUSE...I'M OVER IT. I'M TOO TIRED FOR IT. SO REALLY THINGS AREN'T BROKEN. I'M NOT LIVING IN HELL...BUT THE UNBROKEN THINGS NEED TO BE FIXED. I'M CONSTANTLY TALKING TO MYSELF TRYING TO FIND THE MOTIVATION AROUND ME TO KEEP ME GOING... I FALL BACK ON SOME UP BEAT SONG I BLAST IN MY BEAST ON THE WAY TO WORK...OR PUT ON SOME M PERFUME...SOMETHING ABOUT THE SMELL OR PERHAPS MARIAH IS UPLIFTING TO ME? SHIT. I WONDER IF SHE EVER HAS DAYS WHERE SHE NEEDS MOTIVATION. I GET TO WORK AND CAN NOT STAY WEIGHED DOWN AROUND THE SICK PEOPLE SO USUALLY CAN PULL MY SHIT TOGETHER IN THE 8 HOURS I AM AT WORK. I'VE COME TO THE POINT WERE I AM FIGHTING WITH MYSELF EVERYDAY ON WHETHER TO KEEP DOING THE NURSING OR TRY OUT FOR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. I KNOW HOW TO LIFT WEIGHTS AND GET IN SHAPE. I KNOW I CAN PASS THE TEST I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE. WHAT I THINK I REALLY WANT IS TO BE DONE WITH SCHOOL AND FLOAT AROUND AS A NURSE AND VOLUNTEER AS A FIREFIGHTER. I DID THE FIREFIGHTER THING FOR THREE YEARS AND ALREADY FOUND MYSELF GETTING BURNT OUT AND BREAKING MY BACK...TRYING TO KEEP MY SELF IN SHAPE TO NOT KILL IT EVEN FURTHER. SO NO WAY COULD I DO THAT 20 YEARS THEN RETIRE I THINK. NO WAY COULD I CARRY A BABY AND DO THAT JOB. I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER BE AS PROUD TO BE A NURSE AS I WAS A FIREFIGHTER. MAYBE THAT IS THE PROBLEM. I'M SURE AFTER THIS HELL OF NURSING SCHOOL I'LL BE PROUD FOR COMING OUT ALIVE. COULD A FIREFIGHTER AND A COP REALLY HAVE A NORMAL HOUSEHOLD ANYWAYS? I'M TRYING TO THINK OF COOL SHIT NURSES DO LIKE HELP WITH OPERATIONS OR RESPOND TO TRAUMA IN THE ER. GUESS THAT WOULD BE PRETTY COOL AND REWARDING. THAT IS NOT EVEN THE HALF OF IT. IT'S SCHOOL, WORK, MARRIAGE, ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE...WHEN ARE ALL THESE THINGS GOING TO COME TOGETHER AND NOT MAKE ME FEEL OVERWHELMED OR BY ME DOING ONE..NOT MAKE THE OTHER ASPECTS BE SACRIFICED. I'M IN THIS CITY I COULDN'T DIE TO GET TO AND NOW I AM LOOKING BACK ON THE SUMMER AND THINKING...NOTHING BUT SHIT HAS HAPPENED TO ME FOR THE MOST PART SINCE I HAVE BEEN HERE. YOU KNOW IF ALBUQUERQUE WASN'T SUCH A SHIT HOLE IN MY EYES...I'D GO RUNNING BACK THERE WITH OPEN ARMS. I MISS MY PARENTS MORE THAN EVER EACH DAY. I MISS MY FRIENDS I COULD RUN TO WHEN STEVE AND I WERE FIGHTING. I MISS THE FUN TIMES THAT I AM LACKING UP HERE. IT'S NOTHING BUT SERIOUSNESS AND BULLSHIT SURROUNDED BY PRETTY TREES AND WATER. I ALMOST THINK I'D RATHER BE AN ALCOHOLIC IN A SHIT HOLE IN BURQUE WITH DIRTY LOOKS FROM CHOLLAS THEN STUCK UP HERE PONDERING LIFE. I FEEL LIKE MOST MY DAY IS TRYING TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER AND FIX THINGS TO GET SHIT IN ORDER THE WAY I HAD IMAGINED THEY WOULD BE. MAYBE I HYPED UP LIFE AND NOW IT CAN'T MEET UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS. AS MUCH AS I WANT KIDS...I'M SURE GLAD THEY ARE NOT HERE NOW LOOKING UP AT ME FOR ANSWERS BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE. (BECAUSE I CAN SEE THIS WRITING BACKFIRING...PLEASE KNOW I KNOW IT COULD BE WORSE AND I AM NOT UNGREATFUL FOR ANYTHING I HAVE OR ANY OF THE PEOPLE I DO HAVE AROUND ME...WHO I LOVE WITH ALL OF MY HEART)

GOODBYE

2008-07-31T23:30:00.000-07:00

I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THE IMPORTANCE OF SAYING GOODBYE. I NEVER WANTED TO SAY IT TO SOMEONE BECAUSE TO ME GOODBYE MEANS FOREVER. I'D RATHER SAY SEE YOU LATER...ANYTHING BUT GOODBYE. WHATS WORSE IS NOT SAYING ANYTHING... NOT EVEN GOODBYE TO SOMEONE...AND NEVER SEEING THEM AGAIN. TWO MEN THAT I HAVE KNOWN HAVE PASSED AWAY WITHIN A COUPLE WEEKS OF ONE ANOTHER.

RED-MR. HOLDEN WAS MY FIRST PATIENT TO GO INTO CARDIAC ARREST AND PASS AWAY A COUPLE HOURS AFTER I LEFT WORK. SAKARA YEM WAS A CO-WORKER WHOSE DEATH REMAINS SECRET BY THE FAMILY. I WASN'T EXTREMELY CLOSE TO THESE TWO MEN AS I AM TO PERHAPS A CLOSE FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER...BUT THEY WERE A REGULAR PART OF MY LIFE.

RED WOULD MAKE MY DAY AND WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PATIENTS TO TALK TO AND BE AROUND. DON'T EVER LET ANYONE OF A MEDICAL STAFF TELL YOU THEY DON'T HAVE FAVORITE PATIENTS OR THAT ITS UNETHICAL TO HAVE A FAVORITE AND MAY LEAD YOU TO TREAT THAT PATIENT BETTER. IF THAT IS SAID ABOUT ME...IT'S BULLSHIT. I TREAT ALL OF MY PATIENTS LIKE THEY WERE MY OWN GRANDMA OR THE GRANDPA I NEVER REALLY HAD. IT'S JUST THAT WITH RED WE HAD THINGS IN COMMON AND GOT ALONG REALLY WELL...PLUS WAS ONE OF THE FEW TO NOT TORTURE THE MAN IN PLACING HIS NEEDLES FOR TREATMENT. I ALWAYS TEND TO MIGRATE TOWARDS MY EXTREMELY OLDER MALE PATIENTS AND IN SOMETIMES FEEL IT'S BECAUSE THEY FILL THAT VOID OF NEVER HAVING A GRANDPA AROUND ME. THE DAY THAT RED PASSED AWAY WAS ONE OF THE WORSE DAYS AT WORK AND FAILURE OF THE WATER SYSTEM AND SOME ELECTRICAL AGGRAVATED ME TO THE POINT OF RUNNING OUT OF THERE RIGHT AT 1230PM WHEN MY SHIFT ENDED. RED HAD TO BE TAKE OFF OF HIS TREATMENT BECAUSE OF POWER FAILURE AND WAS SITTING THERE RESTING WHEN I LEFT UNTIL THE NURSE COULD RESUME TREATMENT. I DIDN'T SAY BYE TO HIM...NOTHING...A COUPLE HOURS LATER HE WENT INTO CARDIAC ARREST AND I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO SAY ANOTHER WORD TO HIM. MY LAST MEMORY WAS TALKING TO RED'S WIFE AFTER THE INCIDENT AND FEELING SO INCREDIBLY HURT INSIDE FOR HER. I CAN'T IMAGINE BEING HER. I HOPE I NEVER EXPERIENCE WHAT SHE DID.

SAKARA WAS 25 YEARS OLD AND GOING TO NURSING SCHOOL HERE IN WASHINGTON. HE IS THE TECH WHO DID MY TRAINING TO GET ME BACK INTO DIALYSIS AFTER MY THREE YEARS OFF. HE WAS A VERY GOOD TECHNICIAN. HE WAS VERY QUIET AND VERY HEALTHY. HE WAS A LOT CLOSER TO THE GUYS THAT WORKED WITH US OPPOSED TO THE WOMEN BUT HE GOT ALONG WITH EVERYONE. HE WAS A PRETTY COOL GUY AND ALL OF THE PATIENTS LOVED HIM. THE FAMILY WILL NOT SHARE WHY HE PASSED AWAY BUT IT CAME TO A BIG SHOCK TO OUR CLINICS. FOR SOMEONE SO YOUNG AND SO HEALTHY IT JUST SEEMED UNBELIEVABLE. THE LAST TIME I EVER CAME IN CONTACT WITH SAKARA I WAS DISAPPOINTED WITH HIM BECAUSE HE WANTED SOME HOURS SO HE ASKED FOR ONE OF MY SHIFTS...WHEN I TOLD HIM TO GO AHEAD AND TAKE IT HE BACKED OUT AND I ENDED UP HAVING TO WORK ANYWAY. I TOLD HIM TO NEVER ASK ME AGAIN SINCE HE'D GOTTEN MY HOPES UP...PRETTY MUCH IN A JOKING/SEMI SERIOUS WAY...AND THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH THE LAST THING I SAID TO HIM. NOT SERIOUS OR TRAGIC I KNOW...BUT THE POINT I AM MAKING IS YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU SAY OR DO IS GOING TO BE THE LAST IMPACT/IMPRESSION ON SOMEONE BEFORE THEY PASS AWAY. YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU WILL SEE THEM AGAIN.

I LOVE TO HEAR THE PATIENTS AND THE WAY THEY REMEMBER RED AND SAKARA. I HOPE THAT EVEN HALF AS MUCH OF THOSE GOOD THINGS ARE SAID ABOUT ME WHEN MY TIMES COMES.

I ALWAYS TELL STEVE TO SAY BYE TO ME BEFORE HE LEAVES AND MAKE SURE WE KISS OR TELL EACH OTHER "I LOVE YOU" BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. I FEEL LIKE I COULDN'T LIVE WITH MYSELF IF IN A TIME OF AN ARGUMENT ONE OF US WALKED OUT MAD... IF WE SAID BAD, HURTFUL, OR NOTHING AT ALL TO EACH OTHER ...AND SOMETHING HAPPEN TO EITHER ONE OF US.... IT GOES FOR ALL THE PEOPLE AROUND US. I'M TRYING TO LET PEOPLE KNOW I LOVE THEM AND CARE AND NEVER LEAVE THAT DOUBT IN CASE I NEVER GET TO TELL THEM THAT AGAIN. IT'S SURREAL. IT'S UNKNOWN. IT'S OVERWHELMING. YOU JUST NEVER KNOW. SO SAY WHAT YOU MEAN TODAY. TOMORROW IS DEFIANTLY NOT PROMISED.

ME

2008-07-19T00:03:00.001-07:00

I CONTINUE TO LEARN THINGS ABOUT MYSELF...
I'M ALWAYS THINKING OF THE ALWAYS
EVOLVING DEFINITION OF ME...
I'M GOING TO KEEP ADDING TO THIS AS I THINK OF STUFF...
IT'S ABOUT PUTTING IT INTO PERSPECTIVE FOR ME...

I...

WORRY
ACT IMPULSIVE
ACT WITH MY HEART
AM VERY LOGICAL
DON'T ALWAYS THINK BEFORE TALKING
SOMETIMES THINK TOO MUCH BEFORE TALKING
AM SOMETIMES TOO UPFRONT
SOMETIMES HIDE THE TRUTH TO AVOID HURTING SOMEONE
HATE LIARS
HATE RACIST
HATE UNMOTIVATED PEOPLE
AM AN OVERACHIEVER
HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS OF PEOPLE
AM LET DOWN WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T MEET MY EXPECTATIONS
AM VERY MOTIVATED
AM A WORKHORSE
LOVE PEOPLE MORE THAN THEY DO ME
THINK GAYS SHOULD BE ABLE TO MARRY
MISS MY AUNT LA MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS
HAVE A GROWING FAITH MORE AND MORE EACH DAY IN GOD
TAKE MY ROSARY BEADS IN MY CAR/ AIRPLANE TRIPS
WISH PEOPLE WOULD HEAR ME OUT
HATE WHEN PEOPLE GET THE WRONG IMPRESSION OF ME
HATE LAZINESS
STRESS
THINK TOO MUCH
ALWAYS HAVE A SONG IN MY HEAD
TRY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW I LOVE THEM AND AM THANKFUL FOR THEM
CAN BE CONTROLLING
CAN NOT ALWAYS RELY ON PEOPLE
AM A PERFECTIONIST
WONDER IF ILL EVERY BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF
AM A PROUD FIREFIGHTER
WOULD LIKE TO BE A NURSE
LOVE MY PARENTS AND WOULD NEVER CHOSE ANYONE ELSE TO REPLACE THEM
WILL NEVER MARRY AGAIN SHOULD THIS ONE NOT WORK
REALIZE MARRIAGE IS A LOT OF WORK!
WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE MARRIAGE WORK
FEAR DEATH NOT FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR THE PEOPLE AROUND ME
I WOULD RISK MY LIFE TO SAVE A STRANGER/FAMILY/FRIEND
KNOW MORE ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY THAN IS GOOD FOR ME...LEAVING ME TO ALWAYS THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME
LOVE STEVE MORE THAN HE WILL EVER KNOW
LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN THEY KNOW
LOVE MY FRIENDS MORE THAN THEY KNOW
AM INSECURE
AM CONFIDENT
HATE DRAMA
LOVE THE COLOR RED
LOVE MOVIES
SOMETIMES CAUSE DRAMA WITH MY WORRIES
COULD PROBABLY USE ANGER MANAGEMENT
LIKE TO SHOOT GUNS
LIKE TO LIFT WEIGHTS
LIKE TO RUN
WILL FIGHT OVER MY BELIEFS
WILL FIGHT OVER ROAD RAGE, GOSSIPY GIRLS, AND DRUNKEN PEOPLE IN A BAR
ALWAYS DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO, BEFORE I DO WHAT I WANT TO DO
HATE INCONSIDERATE PEOPLE
AM VERY CONSIDERATE
ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THINGS CLEAN AND IN THEIR PLACE
HATE MY FACE WITHOUT MAKEUP
FEEL LIKE I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY WITH MY BODY
WEAR MY IMMUNE SYSTEM OUT WITH WORRY AND STRESS
CAN BE A HEALTH FREAK! TAKING LOTS OF VITAMINS
WOULD LOVE TO GO TO A SUNS OR 49ERS GAME
LOVE TO VISIT HAWAII AND SAN FRANSICO/ SAN DIEGO
WOULD LOVE TO BE A CELEBRITY AND USE MY FAME POSITIVELY
AM SYMPATHETIC AND EMPATHETIC
HAVE A LOT TO SAY TO EX BOYFRIENDS
WOULD TAKE MANY DAYS BACK IN LIFE
HAVE LEARNED A LOT FROM EXPERIENCES IN LIFE
GREW UP TOO FAST
HATE TO WAKE UP EARLY
LOVE TO SING
LOVE TO PLAY PRANKS ON PEOPLE
LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH
LOVE TO FEEL HAPPY FOR PEOPLE AND SEE THEM HAPPY
AM PROUD OF MY EMT/FIREFIGHTER ACCOMPLISHMENT
HAVE SEEN SOMEONE DIE
HAVE SEEN SOMEONE SURVIVE!
CAN NOT STAND TO SEE PEOPLE SUFFER OR CRY
LOVE TO DANCE, PARTY, DRINK, STAY UP LATE
AM PROUD OF MY FAMILY'S ACCOMPLISHMENTS
HOPES MY FAMILY IS PROUD OF ME
LOVE THE WATER
LOVE ALASKA, LAS VEGAS, ARIZONA AND SEATTLE
DISLIKE NEW MEXICO
LOVE THE MEXICAN CULTURE AND FOOD
MISS MY FUEGO EVERYDAY
GO ON HEALTHY DIETS, DANGEROUS DIETS, AND ROTATE BACK INTO EATING WHAT EVER THE FUCK I FEEL LIKE
LOVE JALAPENOS, SALT, FRIES, ANYTHING SPICY ... MEXICAN, CHINESE, AND ITALIAN
AM THINKING ABOUT VOTING THIS TIME AROUND
LOVE TO TALK TO STRANGERS AND GET TO KNOW PEOPLE
LOVE TO BE AROUND PEOPLE
WILL HELP ANYONE
HATE DIRTY LOOKS
LOVE TO LAUGH
HATE TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING ALONE
FEEL ANXIETY IN THE MALL AROUND MASS AMOUNTS OF PEOPLE
CAN NOT STAND TO FLY
WILL NEVER SKY-DIVE
FIND CADAVERS INTERESTING
CAN NOT BELIEVE WASTED 3 YEARS AS A OFFICE MANAGER TO AN UNGREATFUL COMPANY
AM VERY GREATFUL FOR THINGS
AM ALWAYS LATE
BELIEVE IN KARMA
AM WAITING FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HURT ME TO GET THEIRS
TRY AND MAKE THINGS BETTER TO HAVE PEACE WITH EVERYONE I HAVE EVER MET
HATE PEOPLE WHO TALK SHIT
GET NERVOUS AROUND COPS
LOVE ALMOST EVERY KIND OF MUSIC FROM MARIAH TO FIFTY
SOMETIMES HAVE BAD COMMUNICATION
SOMETIMES TALK TOO MUCH
WILL NEVER DRIVE A CAR AGAIN
LOVE MY BEAST (TRUCK)
WISHES MY FRIENDS COULD MOVE TO SEATTLE
WOULD LIKE TO MAKE MORE FRIENDS IN SEATTLE
WANT MORE MONEY...OR AT LEAST ENOUGH TO PAY DEBT OFF COMPLETELY
WANT TO BE A MOTHER
WANT TO BE A GOOD FRIEND
WANT TO BE A GOOD WIFE
WANT TO BE A GOOD DAUGHTER
USUALLY GET GOOD GRADES AND AM AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS
WISHES LIFE WAS EASIER LIKE IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO
FEEL OLD ALREADY, AND MY KNEES FEEL EVEN OLDER
EXCEL AT WORK BEYOND EXPECTATIONS
AIM TO PLEASE MANAGERS/SUPERVISORS, FAMILY (MOSTLY MY PARENTS)
WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR A FRIEND
WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR A FAMILY MEMBER
SOMETIMES HATE MY CELL PHONE
WISH MY SKIN WAS DARKER
WISH MY HAIR WAS LIGHTER
WISH MY HAIR WAS AS THICK AS IT WAS WHEN I WAS 10
WOULD LIKE MORE DAYS OFF TO RELAX AND TALK/CATCH UP WITH PEOPLE
WOULD LIKE TIME TO VENTURE THE CITY
WOULD LIKE MORE TIME TO LAY BY THE WATER
WOULD LIKE PEOPLE TO APPRECIATE ME
AM VERY CONSCIENTIOUS
COULD NOT IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT MUSIC
LOVE TO LEARN
LOVE PICTURES
WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
WOULD LOVE TO HEAL PEOPLE

(18 JULY)

Pirate Bones

2008-07-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

WISH I HAD WROTE THIS...

What if I squeeze myself into any shape
And I still don't fit?
What if I bend myself so much that I break
And I can't mend it?
What if I burn so bright that the fire goes out
And I can't stay lit?
What's the point in it? What's the benefit?
I could get good at crying crocodile tears
Just to get along
I could carry on telling you wanna hear
'til my voice is gone
But if I finally get to the place that I think is home
And I don't belong
What's the point in it?
Where's the benefit?
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it

[Chorus:]
It's not worth having
If it's too much to hold
You can dig so deep
That you're left with a hole
Thirsty in a desert with a bag full of gold
Don't wanna end up like pirate bones
What I thought was precious was just a pile o' stones
I might have the treasure but I'd be lying alone
Just a pile of pirate bones
If I forfeit my soul it ain't worth having
If it's something I stole it ain't worth having

What if I stake everything I am on a dream
And it's counterfeit?
If I reach the end that justifies the means
Could I live with it?
And if it's true that having too much of any good thing
Could only make me sick
What's the point in it
Where's the benefit
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it
Oh, oh

[Chorus]

It's not wroth that much to me
If losing out is what it means
To swim in shallow victory
Is empty, empty
It's just not worth the price
It's only a fools paradise
If it's draining every drop of life 'til I'm dry like pirate bones

EXHAUSTION

2008-07-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

EXHAUSTION IS A 19HR DAY WHEN YOU COME HOME AND COLLAPSE...AND YOU DON'T RECALL THE DRIVE HOME BECAUSE THE TIME WAS CONSUMED OF THOUGHTS OF THINGS YOU'VE DONE, WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN. IN A 19HOUR DAY I WORK AND SOMETIMES FEEL I AM GOING SOMEWHERE. SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I AM NO LONGER 19 AND CAN'T DO THIS SHIT ANYMORE. I'M NOT MUCH OLDER...BUT I FEEL SOMETIMES I AM. I FEEL LIKE LIFE WAS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE THIS TO GET SOMEWHERE. TO GET SOMEWHERE I'M MEANING A CAREER WHERE I CAN LIVE AND NOT HAVE TO REALLY WORRY ABOUT MONEY BECAUSE I MAKE WHAT I AM WORTH. I MEAN TO GET SOMEWHERE WITH A DEGREE AND BE TRULY HAPPY/CONTENT WITH MY JOB. TO NOT HAVE TO WORK FULL TIME, ATTEND CLASSES FULL TIME, AND RATION THE REST OF MY TIME FOR HOMEWORK, SLEEP, IF I EAT THAT DAY DRAINING THE STRENGTH OF MY IMMUNE SYSTEM IN A WAY THAT COULD SERIOUSLY HOSPITALIZED ME. FINDING THE EXTRA MINUTES TO MAKE SURE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY KNOW THAT I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND THINK ABOUT THEM BUT HAVE TO BE WORKING SO HARD THAT THERE IS NO TIME TO CALL? I NOW CARRY MY PHONE ON ME MOST TIMES TO TEXT WHEN I GET THE CHANCE. LAME RIGHT? WHY DO THAT TO YOURSELF? I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T SEE ANYWAY TO MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK THIS HARD. THERE ARE BILLS TO PAY AND SCHOOL FEELS LIKE IT'S NOT AN OPTION. IF I WANT THAT NURSING DEGREE I HAVE TO KEEP PRESSING ON. THE FIREFIGHTER THOUGH CLINGS ON TO THE BACK OF MY MIND FOR DEAR LIFE...AND I RATION AGAINST IT. A MARRIAGE AND A LIFE WILL BE ENOUGH WORK WITH A HUSBAND WHO IS A POLICE OFFICER...WITHOUT ADDING THE MOM OR WIFE WHO WILL BE HOME EVERY OTHER NIGHT...SO I KEEP ON PRESSING ON AND TRY NOT TO GET DISCOURAGED OR UNMOTIVATED... I KEEP IN MIND THAT GOD WON'T HAND ME ANYTHING I CAN'T HANDLE (THX RE) AND KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON.

NEGATIVITY

2008-06-15T21:36:00.000-07:00

SOMETIMES I MAY GET SAD DOWN OR PISSED OFF WITH LIFE SITUATIONS OR WITH PEOPLE... BUT REALLY IT DOESN'T TAKE ME LONG TO TRY AND FIND THE SILVER LINING IN THINGS... NOTHING PISSES ME OFF MORE THAN WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING THEY HAVE NOTHING BUT NEGATIVE THINGS TO SAY IN RESPONSE... SPECIALLY IF YOU ARE CLOSE TO THIS PERSON OR YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING... UNLESS.... YOU SAY SOMETHING AND THEIR SOMETHING NEGATIVE THEY SAY BACK TO YOU IS A WARNING...LIKE MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT...OR THINK ABOUT IT AGAIN... THAT KIND OF RESPONSE WOULD MEAN THEY ARE PROBABLY JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU AND REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU... BUT THE PLAIN RUDE...FOR NO REASON...IS RIDICULOUS...AND MAYBE EVEN OUT OF JEALOUSY???

FAITH

2008-06-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

BECAUSE OF EVENTS THAT HIT ME HARD THIS MORNING, I GOT IN MY TRUCK AND BEFORE STARTING IT... PRAYED TO GOD THAT A RAY OF SUNSHINE COME MY WAY TODAY AND PRAYED THAT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER AS THE DAY PROGRESSED. I DON'T THINK I HAVE EVER DONE THIS BEFORE. I NOTICED A GIRL WATCHED ME DO A SIGN OF THE CROSS AND FOR A SHORT SECOND WONDERED IF SHE MAYBE NEEDED TO DO IT ALSO...OR IF LIFE WAS CHERRY FOR HER?...MAYBE SHE THOUGHT I WAS REALLY WEIRD? WHO KNOWS. I DROVE OFF AND JUST THOUGHT...YOU HAVE TO HAVE FAITH AND JUST LEAVE THINGS IN HIS HANDS...(PROBABLY SOMETHING I HEARD FROM RE A TIME OR TWO ;) )

ON MY WAY TO WORK A SONG MADE ME TEAR UP PRETTY BAD...THOUGH NOW I CAN'T RECALL IT. IT COULD OF BEEN ADD TO BY THE OVERWHELMING EMOTION BECAUSE I SAW THREE FAMILIAR PEOPLE IN THE FACES OF STRANGERS PASSING BY ME ON THE WAY TO WORK AND THAT COULD OF SPARKED IT OR MADE IT PROGRESS INTO THE TYPE OF TEARS NO MAKE-UP IS GOING TO FIX IN THE 15 MINUTES IT WILL TAKE TO DRIVE TO WORK. THE FIRST FACE WAS A MAN THAT LOOKED LIKE JOSH (DUSTIN'S BROTHER) (BRIDGE KNOWS WHO THIS IS) IT MADE ME SAD TO KNOW THAT I CAN NO LONGER REALLY BE FRIENDS WITH JOSH AND FEEL SORRY FOR HIM AND HIS LOSS HE REALLY STILL DEALS WITH TODAY AS A LOT OF PEOPLE STILL DO... AND SO I THOUGHT OF DUSTIN...AND FELT BAD FOR SOME REASON...I CAN'T REMEMBER THE DATE HE PASSED AWAY.

IN THAT THOUGHT I DROVE BY A LADY THAT LOOKED VERY SIMILAR TO MY AUNT KAREN WHO LIVES IN PHOENIX. SHE MARRIED MY MOM'S BROTHER AND IS ONE OF THE MOST CALM, CARING, SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE I WILL EVER KNOW. IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE I PROBABLY SHOULD BE CALLING HER... AND HAVE NEGLECTED TO WRITE HER BACK TODAY NOT REALLY WANTING TO TACKLE THE EXTREMELY LONG E MAIL SHE SENT TO ME AND TRY TO ANSWER EVERY QUESTION SHE ASKED... SHE ALWAYS ASKS ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE AND NOT JUST A "HOW ARE YOU" DEEPER QUESTIONS AND QUESTIONS OF CONCERN TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS OKAY WITH ME AND MAKE SURE THAT I DON'T NEED TO TALK. I SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR THAT E MAIL AND GET BACK TO HER SOON.

NOT LATER THAN THAT...I SAW MY DAD'S TRUCK... WELL I THOUGHT I DID...AND EVEN SLOWED DOWN TO MAKE SURE THE LICENSE PLATE WAS WASHINGTON AND NOT NEW MEXICO...AND WHEN I SAW IT WAS A PLATE FROM HERE FOR SOME REASON I CRIED EVEN HARDER...LIKE I CONVINCED MYSELF MY DAD MIGHT ACTUALLY HAD DRIVEN ALL THE WAY UP HERE AND BE NEXT TO ME ON THE WAY TO WORK. WOW. THE GAMES WE PLAY WITH OUR SELVES IN OUR MIND. IF I HAD NO MIND AT ALL...I'M SURE I WOULDN'T GET HALF AS UPSET....OR PERHAPS IF I DID HAVE ONE... I'D BE WAY MORE FUCKING LOGICAL WITH IT.

I FINALLY REACH WORK AND USE THE POWDER I KEEP IN MY TRUCK FOR TIMES LIKE THESE TO PAT MY FACE HOPING IT WILL HELP MAKE ME LOOK LIKE ANYTHING BUT A BIG BABY... I'M INSTANTLY HIT WITH A "GUESS WHAT" FROM A CO WORKER WHILE PASSING IN THE DOOR... SHE IS GETTING MARRIED IN SEPTEMBER IN VEGAS! OMG I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO BE LAYING IN THE HOT SUN IN VEGAS WITH A NEVER ENDING LINE OF CROWN SHOTS...OR PINA COLADAS. SHIT. POOR THE CROWN IN THE PINA COLADA AND CALL IT GOOD. TALKING TO HER ABOUT VEGAS AND TEACHING HER EVERYTHING I KNEW ABOUT IT KINDA OF MADE ME FEEL BETTER...OR DISTRACTED ME.

I WALKED OUT ONTO THE FLOOR THINKING NO WAY WOULD I BRING MY DRAMA OR WEAR IT ON MY FACE IN FRONT OF THE PATIENTS. I GREET THEM ALL EXCITINGLY AS I USUALLY DO...AND EACH ONE IN THEIR OWN TIME WOULD GO ON THROUGH THE NIGHT AND ASK ME IF I WAS OKAY. IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW HARD I WAS TRYING TO HIDE IT THEY COULD TELL...AND I FELT LIKE SHIT. ONE PATIENT BOUGHT ME DINNER AND HAD HER DAUGHTER BRING IT TO ME. SO THEN I FELT EVEN MORE LIKE SHIT AND NOW OWE HER MONEY WHEN I SEE HER ON FRIDAY. SHE TOLD ME IT WAS A FAVOR...BUT I DON'T WANT TO OWE HER FOR IT. THEY (PATIENTS) HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT. I BLAMED MY LACK OF BEING "ME" ON BEING TIRED AS MORE AND MORE PATIENTS ASKED...I ENDED UP HAVING ONE OF THE WORST/HARDEST/MOST CHALLENGING DAYS OF WORK SO FAR.

IT COULD OF BEEN HARD BECAUSE OF MY STATE OF BEING... BUT SO MUCH FOR A RAY OF SUNSHINE... I'M NOT SURE IF I WAS BEING TESTED OR REALLY WHAT THE REASON FOR THAT WAS... I'M PONDERING THE LESSON LIKE I AM SITTING BACK IN GEOMETRY CLASS OR ALGEBRA FOR THAT FUCKING MATTER AND TRYING TO FIND THE POINT IN IT... WHATEVER ITS CAUSE... IT WILL REALLY MAKE ME APPRECIATE TOMORROW...SINCE I FEEL SO LOW...I KNOW UP IS THE ONLY DIRECTION TO GO...

HOPE

2008-06-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE HELL DOES "HOPE FLOATS" MEAN? WHEN YOU ARE HIGH ON LIFE AND THINGS ARE GOING GOOD... OR SOME KIND OF SYNONYM FOR KEEPING YOUR HEAD UP... PEERING UP METAPHORICALLY AND SEEING HOPE TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD?

MY HOPE THEN... IS SINKING... I GUESS IT'S A RUT... A LIFE HANGOVER...THINGS WERE NEW AND EXCITING...BUT BEING SETTLED INTO WORKING AND THE NEWNESS HAS WORN OFF... TENSION IN THE HOUSE WITH STRESS BUILDS... WHO WOULDN'T GET DOWN. EVERY TIME WE MOVE I DO THIS... I'M ALONE... SO I SHOULD KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT... BUT I'M FUCKING TAKING IT DAY BY DAY AND IMPATIENTLY AWAITING THE CHANCE TO FEEL BETTER AGAIN. I START SCHOOL AND GET TO WORK FULL TIME ALSO IN TWO WEEKS... I AM NOT SURE IF THAT WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE... OR IF LIFE WILL BE TOO BUSY TO GIVE A SHIT... OR MAYBE I'LL FEEL MORE ACCOMPLISHED WORKING TOWARDS MY GOAL OF FINISHING SCHOOL... MAYBE THE TENSION AND STRESS WILL FLOAT THE FUCK AWAY? I HAVE IT IN ME TO KEEP LOOKING ONWARD AND KEEP GOING... AND NOT TO GO AGAINST THE WHOLE "LIVE IN THE MOMENT NOT THE FUTURE"... BUT I FEEL LIKE I AM NOW SURVIVING IN THE PRESENT TO GET THE HELL ON WITH IT ALREADY...

I HAVE HALF A MIND TO SAY FUCK SCHOOL...GET IN SHAPE... AND TRY OUT FOR THE FIRE DEPARTMENT...AND THAT BE THAT...THOSE WERE THE PROUDEST DAYS OF MY LIFE SO FAR...

REACHABLE

2008-06-11T00:53:00.000-07:00

LATELY I AM REALLY STARTING TO HATE MY CELL PHONE... HATE BEING SO EASY TO REACH...SOMETIMES... I HATE WHEN PEOPLE GET MAD THEY CAN NOT GET A HOLD OF ME KNOWING THAT USUALLY I HAVE A CELL PHONE AND THAT IT SHOULD BE BY ME SIDE AT ALL TIMES... WELL SOMETIMES I PURPOSELY LEAVE IT SOME WHERE OTHER THAN MY SIDE...AND WELL HONESTLY DON'T KEEP IT NEAR MY BED DURING SEX OR IN THE BATHROOM NEXT TO ME WHEN I TAKE A SHIT... SOMETIMES I AM PISSED OFF AND DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING...OR TIRED... OR MAYBE I AM WORKING AND IT IS SITTING IN MY LOCKER...SORRY I CAN'T HELP THAT... I JUST FEEL BEFORE CELL PHONES PEOPLE WOULD BE MORE UNDERSTANDING WHY THEY COULDN'T REACH YOU...NOW IT'S A TEXT OR A CALL WHY AREN'T YOU PICKING UP? AND FOR THE OCCASIONAL SHIT TALKING PEOPLE FEEL THAT IS AN EASY WAY TO DO IT BY TEXT... GROW SOME BALLS AND COME TO MY DOOR...SAY IT TO MY FACE.

THIS TIME AROUND...

2008-06-11T00:40:00.000-07:00

THIS TIME AROUND I AM NOT GOING TO DELETE THIS BECAUSE OF LACK OF READING OR FOR LACK OF FEEDBACK... IF ANYTHING I MISSED HAVING THIS TO GET MY THOUGHTS OUT AND VENT RANDOMLY... IF PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO READ OR ARE CURIOUS THEN THAT IS THAT... THIS BLOG IS NOT BASED OR RELYING ON ANYONE BUT ME... FEEL FREE TO COMMENT...AND IF YOU DON'T... IT'S NO LONGER MY WORRY.