Insanity

"She used this great, sad, motionless face to suggest various related things:

a one-track mind near the track's end of pure insanity;

mulish imperturbability under the wildest of circumstances;

how dead a human being can get and still be alive . . ."

JamesAgee

Insanity. I have not reached it by any means.

It securely latches onto overwhelmed and surrounds my every thought and dream.

It stays in sight as an undetermined fate.

I've been strapped to this insane roller coaster ride and the ride no longer has me grounded.

It has edged me up to the highest point, pushes me over the edge and has me falling miserably, sickeningly and in a whirlwind...

I'm not ready for the next climb as I anticipated it in my heart.

What an adventure I've begun.

I'm in and there is no going back or being ejected before it is over.

Being ejected would be humiliating and represent self-defeat.

I'm stronger than it.

There is no going back.

Nothing compares to this. I thought in getting on this would be similar to all others...

But in reality, This ride is one of a kind.

I thought I had experience, But I had no idea.

I thought I was optimistic and hopeful...

Now I realized I'm overwhelmed and unsure of my own determination.

I began with the end in mind and now... I can't seem to see past the next decline.

?

Nursing makes me question reasons in life. Patient's lives makes me question my own. I myself question God. Is God questioning me?

MuSiC

Music=Life

It has a HUGE impact on me.

I feel lyrics are the soundtrack to life.

You'll never forget where you were hearing particular songs.

Everyone of Mariah's C.D's remind me of a period in my life.

Music plays at some of the most significant times in our life.

(Weddings...Graduation...Funerals)

Music has a way of soothing.

Music has a way of motivation you to keep on keepin' on.

Music can bring goosebumps.

Music can bring tears.

Lyrics in a song can make you love an artist.

It can make you hate them.

I can only think of a few times in my day when a radio isn't playing.

If music is not playing around me, I am thinking of it in my head.

I always have a song in my head.

One of my favorite things in life is getting a new C.D.

I listen to a new world of music and read the artists words on the book that arrives in the case.

This is the reason I don't download music, I like to have the entire package.

I don't own an Ipod and only buy one song.

I love to buy a C.D. for the hit on the radio and guessing which song will be on the radio next.

(I'm actually very good at that part)

Here are a few songs I've heard recently and they remind me where I was the time it played on the radio.







Reminds me of: Middle School. I was easily impressionable. Thought being a bad ass was the most important thing in life. Caused too much trouble. Enjoyed being a tom boy. I thought I would never get past leaving my friends in AZ to move to AK.






Reminds me of: High School. This time in my life was fun. I was involved in school. I had a good life. I thought I couldn't wait to grow up. Thought I would never get over dumb ass men. Enjoyed having a full time sister.


Reminds me of: EMT training. Going through EMT class I listened to this song again and again. It kind of was the soundtrack of the time.


Reminds me of: Being a Firefighter. Going down in flames...I listened to this C.D a lot and listening to it reminds me of working my ass off. Being very proud of life. Being on my own.



Reminds me of: Albuquerque. I listen to this C.D a lot when we were painting our house. The song's lyrics have nothing to do with my own life, but I liked the song and listened to it a lot. Now hearing it makes me think of that exciting time in life.

Reminds me of: Steve.

HawthoRNe

Hawthorne is one of the only shows I'm following on T.V. Sometimes I can't even follow it, I later watch it on demand. Cable is amazing that way. Every time I sit down to watch it I expect three things: To cry by the end of the show, To be able to relate to a story with patients I've had, and To wonder about what kind of nurse I'll be. When I say "Kind of nurse I'll be," I don't mean in which department, but how will I be viewed by surrounding staff and patients. If you're too soft people view you in a way that they can take advantage of you. Sometimes being soft and patient makes people appreciated your care. Sometimes it makes them think they can manipulate you. If you're too hard you are a bitch, you're tired of your job or you're lacking in your patient care skills. If your assertive you're viewed as controlling and cold. I've worked clinical settings and I've worked ambulance settings. In any setting it is hard to know the person and for them to know you. You never know how someone is going to react. You never know someones true intentions. You can never tell how they will interpret you. My job is not to worry about that. My job is always about patient care and helping them back to health. If health can't be achieved it then becomes a game of making them comfortable. I always think about people. Sometimes I think to much. The constant worry and thinking has made me appreciated and hated. I love the patients that notice I am doing my best 110% to help them. It's even better when they are thankful and their family is thankful too. That occurrence reminds me why I do this. I love to help people. I don't need a gold star by doing them right. I do them right because I feel it is my duty. I feel it natural that I overachieve and anything less is me short falling. Sometimes caring in this way makes people sick of you. Some people you can't even ask if they are okay more than once and they unload on you. I've had this too. They hate to see you come in and god forbid get a set of vitals. To them, you are a pain in the ass. Maybe they see me young and naive. I hate that. I am damn good at my job and really care. I know what I am doing and if I don't I have no problem asking. Health care is all about customer service. I've learned this quick. Some people will never be happy with everything you do and some will be happy for the little things you do. Nothing makes me think more about my life and my impact on people around me more than this line of work. There is something that gets me when I look into the eyes of someone in this setting. You realize how lucky you may be. You realize how strong someone can me. It changes the way I think and feel about things. I feel like my problems are so ridiculous compared to these people. You can be rich and have everything in this world, but if you don't have your health what does it all matter? I feel so deeply for the people who don't ask for this...or who are born into misfortune in their health. The people that abuse their bodies...I find myself having less sympathy for. This is a whirlwind of thoughts. This is only half of it.

IN A DAY

Nothing unusual about the day. I worked the mid shift. That means an hour drive there...Seven hours of constant work...An hour drive home with Seattle traffic. My first nurse would be Irina. I love her. She is as tall as me, very thin, blonde with blue eyes and very pregnant. She maintained her weight throughout the pregnancy and the only thing that grew was her stomach. So cute!!! She is Russian and I love her accent. She could talk about cleaning up piss and shit and I would be fully entertained just because of the way she talks. Anytime I show her my club wear or pictures on face book she is in shock. It makes me laugh. I show her my new 5inch Steve Madden shoes and she asks " JJ where are you going to wear this?" In her accent, I die laughing. Today she shows up to work 430am happy, glowing and 8 1/2 months pregnant. She busts her ass to help me on the floor unlike any other nurse. I spend the first half of my shift telling her to go eat or sit down! She ignores me. I appreciate her help and she explains her working hard might induce labor...WHICH I am trying to postpone because I am so hating to see her go on maternity leave. She is my number one! So she works and I continue to mother her throughout the day. She is having a girl and wants a short name...Why not JJ I must tell her once a day...We'll see. She never mentioned feeling bad her whole pregnancy. She is either tough as hell or having a good smooth 9 months. God...may I have a smooth 9 months please?

Jocelyn has been a nurse for about 17 years. She is my walking medical encyclopedia. Anything I don't understand I ask her. She is a good nurse. A tall thin Filipino women with short hair. She has four kids and has been a widow for about 6 years now I believe. I hate to see her talk about it. Whenever she does it looks as if her soul is drifting away and there is no longer a women in front of me...but a casing of a once very happy human being. She works hard and very long hours. Some days she will open the clinic with us at 430am and close it down at 10pm. I won't be doing that! Not only do drug calculation mistakes happen more frequently after 8 hours but it's exhausting! She recently found out she had a lump in her breast. This was before my trip to NM. I prayed for her and she prayed for my plane. By the time I got back and was informed of her condition she had already been taken into the O.R to have the lump removed. It was cancerous. She showed me her incision this night and I felt like everything I had fell into the pit of my stomach. I swear my heart skipped a beat. It looked so painful. She almost started to cry and I was right there with her. It causes her a lot of pain. She asked the Dr. if they would just take the breast completely off but the Dr. said it was not indicated so they are leaving it. She asked that both of them just be taken off. No luck. Now she will continue to work 4am to 1pm and continue on after work for radiation. I have to find the energy to work out. She knows what to expect and she knows what is going on with her body...That is the plus of being a health care professional....But that, in no way teaches you how to deal with the stress and worry. She won't talk about the post concerns of her health but she doesn't have to mention a word to me. I can see it on her face. I swear I don't breath around her till I see her laugh...I feel like I can't talk to her about anything in my life because what would little me have to say to this women? I definitely feel I can't be excited about something around her...I feel like that will make her even more uncomfortable to maybe wish she had more positives to focus on. I hope that she keeps going in good spirits and that this is the last of the cancer. She will have to go for mammograms every six months to make sure another lump has not formed. This did not run in her family so I want everyone to be watchful of their own bodies and the women around them they love and care about. You just never know what life is going to hand you. It helps to have such a supportive network. I feel everyday incredibly thankful for that. I probably say it too much.

These two nurses worked that day like nothing was holding them back in life. I left that day amazed with them. Grateful. Thoughtful. Exhausted. I hope that I can be half the nurse those two women are and I'm glad for the time I had the chance to work with them.